Remember when the world stopped? 

Everything, everywhere just kind of hit the pause button? 

That was about the time I realized that I had been living on pause. So, just like on a series being binge watched once that pause button is pressed again, it starts back up, I too started back up. 

Since the pandemic hit, came to a boil, and came back down to settled waters, I’ve restarted a whole lot of my life. And this blog has been neglected. Which in this era of quasi controlled anarchy, I’m sure you can forgive. Let’s catch up, shall we?

Jobs have changed and friends have changed. More importantly, I have changed. I’ve realized that I now have the ability to walk away from what does not suit me. Finding the power to is still a struggle. But I have become better about assessing situations and realizing that it is not my job to always be the bigger, better person.

If the pandemic causing the collective conscious to embrace the thought that death is the silent stalker that is lurking around every bend has done anything, its the teaching that trying to always be “the good” one, the “well behaved” one, the “acceptable” one is faulty. If we are at the mercy of a cosmic roll of the dice and ultimately it is decided upon not by what WE do but what others do, why does being the proper girl/boy scout matter. 

In simpler terms, I found solace in thinking that at any moment, I could be stricken ill and die.

And this isn’t the clarity that I’m sure seriously and chronically ill people find. Or the serenity that those in violent war like situation face. Those are mental clearances that come from a form of bravery I will never have. This is the kind of release from decades of indocoration of being a certain person that I don’t think I ever truly wanted to be. It was realizing that feeling guilty for not being the perfect student/daughter/friend/employee doesn’t really have a place in a functioning life. 

Maybe it’s hedonistic, maybe it’s the nicotine and caffeine mixture but baby,if we are all going to croak, why do I have to aim to try to get the golden stars?

So, I left the job as vendor for a cookie company. And I found a new one in a German owned grocery store with a funny spelled name. I ended up leaving that one too after yelling at an assistant manager for being a dick. I cut my hair down to one short length and put my septum ring back in, started smoking stupid cancer sticks, and made a vow not to text until they respond. Now I work with a group of wonderful people baking bread and cookies and trying not to make faces at customers when they ask impossible questions. (There’s no more mask to hide behind, I have to be mindful of my nonverbals now.) And while I do still doubt myself and often feel like I don’t fit any of the pegs I’ve chose to slide into, I’ve realized that maybe, just fucking maybe, I’ll get there.

And if I don’t? If I’m never the best? If I’m never the one that gets revered as “Miss Reliable” or “The Best” it’s ok. Because you know what I learned?

The woods would be silent if only the best birds sang. 

I’m here to sing.

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