She was crying.
She was yelling.
She was stomping her feet.
Her hands were fists, shaking with rage.
She was a middle-aged woman. And her day was ruined.
But the thing is, it wasn’t just her day. It was a family day. And not just any random Sunday dinner type family day, but a day that was primarily planned for the children. Those children stood, silently defeated, behind the legs of their mother. Even an outsider could see that this event would be charred into not only their memory, but their future behavioral patterns. It was a lesson on how its perfectly okay to throw a fit when you are not happy. They will carry this event , and all the others like it from her, into every relationship they form as they age.
When having multiple events like the one above in your personal experience tank, it’s hard to distinguish between the ideas of selfishness and self-care. The word selfish ,according to Merriam Webster, is when one is “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself, seeking or concentration on one’s own advantage,pleasure,or well being without regard for others.”
For people who grow up around abusive individuals , self-care often has the same definition. There becomes this idea that time spent taking care of one’s own self is time that could be better allocated to the care of someone else. This idea is planted in the person’s mind until sacrificial acts blossom into their modus operandi. Enjoyment is permanently set aside in hope of pleasing others. And this spreads to every single relationship. Significant others, children, friends, strangers, EVERYONE gets a slice first, until there’s nothing left but crumbs.
We’ll never get full on crumbs. And we’ll run on those crumbs until there’s nothing left to sustain us. Then the whole ship goes down. This is why self care is important. If we are the foundation upon which we build others, we have to take care of that foundation. If we crumble, they all do. In order to take care of others, we must take care of ourselves. To do this, we must change our understanding of what being selfish is.
Taking care of yourself is not selfish.
Working to feel better, physically and mentally, is not selfish.
Enjoying your favorite foods/movies/music is not selfish.
Napping is not selfish.
Doing your make-up,nails, hair, etc is not selfish.
Wanting alone time is not selfish.
Relaxing is not selfish.
Pampering yourself the same way you pamper others is not selfish.
A castle is only as good as its foundation. Remember to treat yourself with care.
Love others but also, love yourself.